Stressing!

So, it seems almost everything is going wrong :(  

I'm excited about our move to El Paso but I can't say that I haven't been revisiting my old habits of stress eating lately.  I am grateful for my lap-band though and the painful reminder of things I need to change.  I'm so scared of vomiting that although my brain is saying...keep going!!! I force my mouth to STOP! So I guess that's pretty good news on how it's working for me :)

I was VERY proud of myself today though as I not only got on my Gazelle for like 40 minutes this morning, but ALSO walked to the HEB (1.3 miles total according to my pedomoter) to go grab some roasted chicken for dinner.  It's funny how 30 pounds lighter can make such a difference on the same machine.  My feet don't hurt as much and my knees are feeling good.   I also cannot wait till I'm able to eat "regular" food again.  I'm tired of purees and soups and shakes.  Actually, I like my morning protein shake, but i don't want protein shakes all day :(

I had my first fill yesterday and was pretty sad.  I thought I didn't have any fluid in my band because i've been getting pretty hungry lately and then the dr. told me i already had 3 cc's from the surgery date.  He was surprised...I was even more surprised.  I had also only lost 2 pounds since my last dr's visit.  I felt so ashamed that even with 3 cc's i was starting to feel hungry again only 1 month post surgery.  He went ahead and added 1 cc for a total of 4 cc's, but he reminded me that my band only holds 10cc's and that I need to be conscious of following all the rules, exercising, etc.  I guess it proves the point that a lot of it is just mental.  I was really sad though because I don't want this whole experience to have been for nothing.  I WANT to be successful and it's becoming more clear that it's all on me and how much I push myself. 

My dr. is awesome though...I would recommend him to anyone in the area (Dr. Sankarlingam).  If I can't find a dr. in el paso to do my fills, i wouldn't mind making a weekend visit to the area to see my original doc.  And for those of you who are wondering what a fill is, that's when the dr. fills up your band with saline.  That's what causes more or less restriction depending on if you're filling or unfilling, respectively.  I was pretty scared, since I didn't know what to expect.  Looking back it was pretty silly how nervous I was.  My Dr. did the fill, and he just put a thin needle in my stomach (didn't hurt, just a poke) and then he looked around for the port.  It actually kinda tickled and he thought it was funny I said so.  

Unfortunately, I have had a pretty stressful month with my future at work and the big move.  Hopefully things will change for the better really soon, but if they don't i'm going to change them!  I didn't have many options with no support to help with transportation or Krista where i'm at, but that won't be the case in El Paso.  So, I won't have any excuse not to get what I know I deserve for myself.  That includes: daily exercise, peace, a challenging career, a newfound social life.  I'll be so much happier even if my "new" social life only consists of new fitness friends, an occasional coffee (decaf please lol), and a late night movie with old friends (I'm talking to you Yvonne, Alma (<cuz) and Naomes!)  With an inconsistent schedule, no car, and noone locally to hang out with, it's been tough and I have been pretty lonely.  Sorry Rick I love you honey but a girl needs her girlfriends too!  I can't say I won't enjoy being back at home with the family.  I miss my old friends and family so much and, after being on the phone for work, the last thing I do is dial them to find out what's going on. 

Well, I need to remember to blog when i'm stressing.  Blogging is therapeutic baby! Feel better already!  Now just to get myself prepared for another 5 days of work and 5 half days of continued packing :(

Oooh I almost forgot to mention that I tried one of the vitamin samples that I got from the dr's office and OMG it was soooo good.  If anyone out there has had bariatric surgery, I would highly recommend you visit the website: http://www.celebratevitamins.com/ and try them out.  I'm going to order a full supply once I get to El Paso, can't wait!  It's like a little taste of heaven that's good for you!